how lucky am I.

I just caught myself stressing out again. Stressing out about how I am not nearly as smart or eloquent as the people I talked to today, anxious about “competing” against people from schools that rejected me. Just a few minutes ago I had convinced myself that I am going to bomb my next interview because luck has never favored me and everything I have wanted so badly has not wanted me back. No way am I getting this offer, I’ve spoken it into the universe. I tell people around me that I am “so chill” when it comes to recruiting but it really is not all that healthy. A part of me is “so chill” because I have not only accepted the possibility of ending the season with no offers but convinced myself that this is the most likely outcome. But it is not. I get so easily caught up in what I do not have (yet) that I completely lose sight of where I am right now.

How lucky am I to be exactly where I am right now.

The first time I posted here I was still in high school, awaiting my college decision and sorting through all my rejections. I was convinced then that I was not going to go to a school of my dreams, a school that I felt I deserved, a school I felt that my parents deserved to see me attend. Yet, I remember writing about holding onto the slightest hope that everything will work itself out.

How lucky am I to have gotten into UCLA. I am a sophomore now and I still have not come to terms with how I go to school in LA. I think about this every day. I am so grateful.

How lucky am I to be exactly where I am right now.

I just got off the phone with my mom, I whined about how I do not think I am good enough to move any further, and all she said was “I hope you realize how big of a deal it is for you to have made it this far all the way from India”. I shut up. I am sitting on my bed in a hotel room after touring an office of my dreams, in a city of my dreams, having spoken with some of the smartest people I have ever met and might ever meet. I was in a room with students from schools that I always perceived as a fantasy, a room with people in positions that I aspire to someday reach. For the first time, I was inspired and not intimidated. Though my imposter syndrome kicked in after, in that moment I felt like I could achieve anything I set my mind to. I felt privileged to have the opportunity to talk face-to-face with people I admire, to learn about their journey, and to also see them interested in mine. I was in a room that I dreamed of being in since middle school. I was in a room of opportunity, a room of passion, a room of ambition and I loved every second of it. I felt so alive. I know I’m being so corny right now but I was so excited to live and to grow.

How lucky am I to be exactly where I am right now.

I do not know if I can snag this offer or not, but I do know that I will try my best. I will always try my best, I will always hold onto hope and I will always dream bigger than my being. That is all I can do, and that is all I will do. I will be sad if this does not work out, but I know something else will. I know there are so many more rooms waiting to be entered, and I will walk into every single one with my best foot forward. At the end of the day, more than anything, I absolutely love the process of building a life of my dreams.

I am exactly where I wanted to be, maybe not exactly how I wanted to get here, but I am here and that really is all that matters. I do not wish to have done anything any differently, how lucky am I to be able to say that. How lucky am I that I am surrounded by people who inspire me to be the best version of myself, in both my personal and professional life. How lucky am I to have every opportunity to pursue a life of my dreams. How lucky am I to love and to be loved. I to have every resource to continue to build a beautiful life and I am so grateful.

I am writing this as a reminder that I am living a life that not other people would envy, but I myself would have envied. I carry 13 year old Harini like my shoulder angel. Her dreams were bigger than the world itself and every day I aspire to live up to her expectations. Since October 18th my mind was split into two halves, one that continued to grow and age, and one that froze in time and stayed that way. The idea of an inner child is something that I hold so close to me because my inner child is my 13 year old self, and my 13 year old self is the strongest version of myself. How unbelievably lucky am I to say that I am exactly where she wanted me to be. It means the world to me and I am so grateful.

(Edit) I just scrolled down to my first post and I wrote it almost exactly two years ago, what a wonderfully bitersweet feeling ❤